


Sweet Surrender

by Anonymous



Category: Nailed It! (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 04:52:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16469120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Nicole and Jacques have very special guests on this episode of Nailed It!





	Sweet Surrender

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fleurlb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleurlb/gifts).



> Dear fleurlb, this is going to be a nailed it or failed it gift and I do not know which one. It is very, very silly. I hope you like it.

Nicole grins at the screen. "I'm Nicole Byer, welcome to Nailed It: the only baking show ever to edit our footage using a TARDIS!" The sound of cloister bells ring, and Nicole says, "Come back when we're finished, unless you already did." The TARDIS voom-vooms away.

"Today, three special celebrity guest bakers will recreate epic treats for the whole galaxy over two intense rounds of competition, for a chance at $10,000," she stops, correcting herself, "or the equivalent in their home currency. Let's meet our bakers!"

Three figures stroll in slowly from one side. One is tall, dark, and helmeted, his face unseen.

"You may call me Darth Vader. My home world is of no consequence. I no longer eat solid food, but the creation of baked goods serves as a meditation on the Dark Side of the Force." The camera cuts away to an image of cookies charred black. "Unfortunately, so does the outcome. I wish to win this competition to prove to my son that the Dark Side is triumphant in all things, including baking."

The second figures appears nearly human. His severe haircut emphasizes the points on his ears.

"I am Spock of Vulcan, Commander, Starfleet. While most meals in Starfleet are prepared via replicator, I too find the process of baking to be a meditative act. The combination of flour, butter, eggs, oil, and the sweetener form a pleasing harmony together which mimics the heart of Vulcan philosophy." The camera shows a picture of a flat cake that has overspread the pan. "My own attempts at perfection are often thwarted by a missing ingredient, much as my quest for perfect logic is often thwarted. I wish to excel in Nailed It! to offer proof to myself that I too may find balance in the ingredients I mix. If my father stops mocking my cooking skills, so much the better."

The last contestant is much shorter than the other two. The camera pauses at the same height it had, then drops to show a waving, smiling homunculus with even pointier ears.

"Hello! My name is Dobby. Dobby loves to bake!" The video clip shows Dobby dancing around a giant kitchen, other House Elves watching him with distrust as he happily sprinkles ingredients into the cauldron on the stove. Which explodes. "Dobby is not very good at it. Dobby will show everyone that a free House Elf can be just as good at baking as anyone else by winning Nailed It!"

Nicole smiles at the three of them, nerves showing before she hides it under a big laugh. "Welcome Vader, Spock, and Dobby. You guys ready to get your bake on?"

"Oh yes!" says Dobby in excitement. Spock nods once. Vader folds his arms.

"Today on Nailed It! we're baking up a bloody good time. You're going to create some monstrously good food. With me as always is my bitingly sharp friend, Jacques Torres."

"Thank you, Nicole. I'd stake my reputation on this show."

Nicole laughs as much as she can at the pun, which is not a lot. "And today, our special guest chef is the former Paladin of the Black Lion. Let's give it up for Shiro!"

The third judge looks around himself in confusion. "What am I doing here? Where's the Castle of Lions?" He glares at Nicole. "Is this that Bob guy again?"

Nicole pats his organic arm, then takes a moment as she feels the solid muscle. "Everything will be explained later." She turns to the contestants. "There's a fabulous prize waiting for the winner of this round. Baker's Choice! Have you ever looked out your window and seen a slavering creature of the night lurking, ready to suck your blood, and thought, huh, that makes me hungry?"

Dobby raises his arm and jumps up and down. "Ooo! Ooo! All the time, miss! I keep telling Hagrid the Forbidden Forest is getting worse." The other two contestants say nothing.

"You're about to get your chance for some raw staking. Behind door number one are three delectible treats," the door swings open, "that want to bite you back!"

Three cupcakes await them, each incorporated into a different figure. "Each of you will have to choose between these three fondant and cake creations. Will you pick Count Chocula?" Close-up on a chocolate-drizzled confection starring the cartoon cereal seller. "Do you prefer dark and broody?" Camera closes in on an eerily lifelike David Boreanaz. "Or is sparkly more your speed?" The last cupcake is Edward, covered in edible, sparkling sprinkles. "Go slay your fave!"

Dobby bounced towards the sparkly cupcake. Spock approached the cabinet, reaching for Angel, only to watch that cupcake rise from the table and float directly into Vader's grasp. With only a flicker of eyebrow to show his irritation, Spock takes Count Chocula. The camera lingers a little long, showing an uncanny resemblance.

"You have one hour. Get your bake on!"

Dobby dashes to his station. Spock does not hurry but does not dawdle. Vader takes large, deliberate steps. The three of them turn on their recipe tablets.

"Yay," Dobby sings to himself. "Cooking! Cooking! Cooking!" Both his competitors glare at him, but he continues singing as he jumps around, gathering his ingredients, singing their names.

Nicole and Jacques sit behind the judges' table to watch them. Shiro stays standing. "No, really, I need to get back to my team."

"You will, you will. Sit down for now, you big cutie." Nicole pats his chair. Shiro sits reluctantly.

"Now Jacques," Nicole says, "tell us what's difficult about this bake."

"Timing is everything! The cupcakes must be made quickly, and cooled completely before decoration can begin. The fondant must be worked carefully, while the cake is baking and while it is cooling."

The problems start almost at once. Spock follows the recipe with meticulous care but the stand mixer gives him trouble. He mutters something about "stone knives and bear skins," which are not listed anywhere in the Nailed It! cookbook, at least this season. Dobby's idea of following a recipe is to throw handfuls of whatever is called for into the bowl, including whole eggs. He stirs it with a snap of his fingers. Darth Vader is having problems of his own. Although his cupcakes make it into the oven without incident, the fondant refuses to soften in his hands.

"Now there's an issue," Nicole says. "With his robotic prosthetics, Vader doesn't have the right body temperature to warm up his fondant and make it malleable."

Growing angry, Vader throws his fondant into a glass bowl and places it into the microwave. Thirty seconds later, smoke rolls out from under his work station.

Spock says, "Is there some issue with your fondant?"

"Do not try me, Mister Spock."

"I would not make such an attempt. However, I would make a suggestion. You should get more fondant."

Vader stalks angrily back to the pantry.

Dobby's oven timer pings, and he pulls the pans out with his bare hands, saying "Ouch! Ouch!" as he does. Nicole flinches in sympathetic pain as the camera lingers on the oven mitts at Dobby's station. His cupcake pan is filled with sad little divots. Dobby frowns, then flips them out onto the counter before running back into the pantry past Vader to retrieve the sparkly edible sprinkles.

Shiro watches this all with his mouth dropping open, and closing it again. "Who are you people?"

"We are chefs!" says Jacques.

Nicole grabs his arm and gives him a little squeeze as Shiro looks uncomfortable. "Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?"

"Well, I was born on the planet Earth, and - " He's cut off by a squeal from Dobby, who has mashed his own hand trying to flatten his fondant. "Is he all right?"

"Just fine!" Dobby says cheerfully. "Dobby flattens, sir!"

The camera bounces among the three contestants. Vader's attempts at making Angel are thwarted by his inability to mold the fondant and the fact that his cupcakes are still too warm from the oven to hold the frosting. Spock carefully sculpts each piece of chocolate into Chocula's recognizable form, affecting to ignore Dobby at the next station over, who is singing even more loudly as he flings sprinkles all over his cupcakes.

Nicole is trying not to laugh. Jacques is failing. Shiro looks confused. "I thought he was supposed to be making a vampire."

The clock ticks down. "One minute left!"

Vader can't get Angel shaped around the warm cake. In anger, he pulls out a metallic handle, lights a red blade with a hum, and slices through the cupcake, destroying it and the countertop. Spock frowns as the pieces of Chocula fail to stick together. Dobby has finally stopped singing, and is staring at his cupcake intently. Then he says, "Potatomoonius!" His cupcake swirls up and reforms into a perfect replica of the Edward cupcake.

Nicole and Jacques step out from behind the table. After a moment, Shiro joins them.

"Five, four, three, two, one, you're done!" The alarm whoops at them. Spock stands back, hands clasped behind himself. Vader kicks at the counter. Dobby claps his hands excitedly.

"All right, bakers. Show me your merciless bloodsuckers!"

The three contestants bring out their creations hidden under opaque lids.

"Darth Vader, this was the Angelic vampire you were trying to make. Let's see what you did."

Vader removes the lid. Chopped pieces of cake are tossed on a plate, along with a fondant head that doesn't look like anyone, much less David Boreanaz. He waves his hand at Nicole, Jacques, and Shiro. "I nailed it." The three of them intone, "You nailed it."

Nicole blinks and turns to Spock. "You were supposed to make us a Count Chocula cupcake. How did it go?"

Spock removes the lid from his creation. He has precisely recreated every piece. Sadly, all of them are spread out on the plate around the chocolate-frosted cupcake. "I have nailed it."

Nicole giggles. "Poor Count. He's beside himself!"

Jacques says, "You captured the pieces perfectly. Next time, try to affix them with a bit of sugar and water as a paste."

"I will attempt that for my next endeavor."

The three of them turn to Dobby. "Now Dobby," Nicole says, "you were trying to give us an image of sparkly vampire Edward Cullen. Show us your bake!"

Dobby whips off the lid. "Dobby nailed it!" Edward Cullen stands there, true to life. He sparkles in the studio lights. Nicole and Jacques applaud. 

Shiro says, "Dobby cheated. He used magic."

Dobby pouts.

The tasting portion goes better. Jacques tastes the scraps of Darth Vader's bake. "The cake is light and springy, and it's a good mix with the buttercream frosting."

Nicole says, "I liked what I had. The little bite in my mouth melted. I'd eat more if you hadn't destroyed it." Vader grumbles at her.

Shiro passes. "I'm full. Sorry."

Spock's cupcake is praised for the texture and the taste. Nicole dips one of Chocula's hair pieces into the chocolate frosting. "Mmmm!" Shiro declines a bite again.

Jacques tastes Dobby's cupcake. The look on his face changes from anticipatory joy to mild horror. He doesn't spit it out, but the swallow is audible. "This cake isn't baked through. The inside is still gooey, but the outside is dry and crumbly."

Nicole isn't so delicate. She spits her piece back into her hand. "Um. So that was a thing that went into my mouth. Dobby, your bake was so pretty! What happened?"

Dobby wails, "It's a glamour! Dobby can only make it look beautiful. He can't change what it is inside." he starts banging his head against the table until Shiro stops him.

A convenient scene break later, Spock stands in front of the judges. He is wearing a golden chef's cap. From behind, two more figures approach. Nicole says, "Sadly, we had to disqualify Dobby for cheating, and Darth Vader for messing up his work station beyond repair. Fortunately for us, two new celebrity chefs have agreed to join us today!"

"Hello, I'm Sam," says the first. He's on the small side.

Shiro sighs. "Not another elf."

Sam frowns at him. "That's 'hobbit' to you. The Doctor brung me along a few minutes ago. Fancy that, a wizard like him what talks to rabbits and covered in bird doings has a box that travels through time n' space! Roomy inside, too." He looks up at Spock. "You one of Legolas's pals?"

Spock ignores him.

The second contestant fills the room with a sparkle of her own. "I am Diana of Themyscira. I agreed to fill in because my friend Mr. Wayne owns the studio that makes this series, and he told me, I 'owe him one.'" Her fingers make air quotes.

"Welcome my dear," Jacques says, clearly delighted. He greets her again in French. Wonder Woman replies in fluent French back at him.

Nicole says, "I guess that button won't do anyone any good."

"Okay," Shiro says. "We've met Sam and Diane. Is this almost over?"

"Hold your horses," Nicole says. "Bakers, we're in the final round, Nail It or Fail It. The winner takes all. We're having a monstrously good time, and it's time for some monster hunters." The second door opens.

Shiro says, "That's an Impala! I saw one in a museum once." His voice changes, almost imperceptibly. "Who are those three guys?"

Nicole gestures at the tableau: an impala cake, covered in fondant, with two fondant hunter brothers and a fondant angel in a trenchcoat. "You have two hours to recreate this masterpiece! Get your bake on!"

Sam is immediately flummoxed by the technology around him. He blinks in confusion at the tablet, gasping in delight when it turns on. Wonder Woman steps closer to the cake, examining it critically. Spock is immersed in his own work, getting several cakes mixed and into the oven before getting fondant to roll out to cover the car later.

"I've never cooked in a hearth like this," Sam says. Wonder Woman leaves the car to join him at his station.

"I had the same problem when I first came to Man's World. This device doesn't bake the same as a stone oven. For one thing, you don't need any wood." She turns on the dial for him. Sam swears, which is bleeped. "I said the same thing."

"How about this mixing thing, then?"

Spock says from his station, "It is a primitive, horrible contraption which by my time has been banned in all civilized galaxies." He's still upset that was his prize from round one, even though he has assured them all that Vulcans do not get upset, not by mixers, and not by silly hats.

Sam is equally impressed by the blast freezer, which Jacques shows him during his Panic Button time before showing him the fondant. Sam runs his his fingers through the fondant, enjoying that he can eat pliable sugar. Wonder Woman is hard at work at her own station. Nicole cranes her neck to see what she's doing.

"Jacques, how would you go about making this supernatural delight?"

The video goes to a serene baker, face unseen, gently layering sheet cakes atop one another before carving the whole into a vehicle shape with a sharp knife. Fondant is rolled out with ease and draped like a blanket over top before the details are painted on with delicate edible paints.

Cut back to the contestants. Sam has started another pot bubbling on his stove top now that he has figured out the controls with assistance from Wonder Woman. Nicole and Jacques watch him gather vegetables from the pantry, chop them up, and toss them into the hot water.

"What is he doing?" Nicole asks, dumbfounded.

"Making stew," Shiro says with a smile. He's beyond dumbfounded and has reached a stunned bliss at this weird situation. "Smells great, too!" Jacques nods in dreamy agreement.

The camera pans over Spock's fondant people, sculpted into shapes resembling those on display. Wonder Woman's fondant people don't look much like the figures surrounding the Impala. The camera angles don't show much, leaving the reveal for later.

Time ticks away. Sam's cakes are cut into morsels, which he frosts with a spoon, lathering on the buttercream. Spock has a bad moment when his fondant splits just as he places it over his carved Impala. Wonder Woman's car doesn't look like a car at all.

"One minute left!" Nicole shouts.

"Thank Alfor," Shiro says.

Spock adds the last details to Castiel's trenchcoat. Sam arranges his stacked morsels on a plate, and adds a small cup of stew as a side. Wonder Woman's bake is already under the lid, and she stands patiently.

"Three, two, one, you're done!" The alarm whoops again. "All right, bakers, since this is celebrity Nailed It! our disqualified celebrities are coming back to help judge, and so is our special guest judge, the Doctor!"

"I thought I was the special guest judge?" says Shiro.

The TARDIS makes a grinding noise. A blonde woman pops out. "Hello!"

"Hello, Doctor!" says Jacques.

Shiro stares. "That wasn't the same Doctor who went in a few minutes ago."

"I am, but it's a long story. Where are the bakes?"

Nicole stands with the others. "Sam, you were told to make an Impala cake with Sam, Dean, and Castiel. How did you do?"

Sam pulls off the lid. The morsels look tasty. So does the soup. "Is it nailed?"

"Screwed," Shiro says. "It's screwed."

"Right!" Sam smiles. "Screwed it!"

Nicole is laughing too hard to talk. When she can get hold of herself, she says, "Ah, yes. Jacques, do you have any advice for our baker?"

"Ask me after I try some of that stew. It does smell delicious."

They turn to Spock. "Mister Spock, you won Baker's Choice. Let's see how you did in Nail it or Fail It."

Spock shows them his cake, perfectly carved, and his fondant people. All the guest judges applaud except Shiro, who's had enough. "I nailed it," Spock says, and he would say so proudly, but Vulcans are not proud.

Jacques says, "Mister Spock, this is exquisite. However, you made Dean too blond, and that will cost you points."

"Understood."

They turn at last to Wonder Woman. "So Diana, we're all very curious. Your bake didn't take the car route. Let's see!"

She reveals her cake. Instead of a car, she has designed a giant eyeball with tentacles. Gumdrops form more eyes at the end of each tentacle. Two figures instead of three face it. "Having seen the challenge, I rejected it and nailed my own. This is a tribute to my good friend Xena and her life partner Gabrielle." She looks at the camera. "I do not 'owe you one,' Bruce."

The Doctor steps over to the cake, marveling in utter delight. Spock raises an eyebrow. Sam pops a morsel into his mouth, then offers some stew to Jacques. Dobby amuses himself playing with the fondant people on Spock's display. Vader just shakes his head.

Nicole throws up her arms. "Spock wins. That's it for Nailed It! Everybody, it's time for a selfie!"

The camera closes on a still of all of them. Spock is still wearing the hat. Nicole is grinning. Jacques looks immensely happy with Sam's stew. Dobby tosses sparkles in the air. The Doctor smiles at Wonder Woman, who is smiling back at her.

Shiro asks, "Can we go now?"


End file.
